The older, the freer: what do Russians think about sex on the first date

Psychologists interpret this relationship by the fact that conversations on the topic of rapprochement for today’s couples on the first date are not an exciting invitation to intimacy, but the “ventilation” of the question: what is the partner waiting for, what are his boundaries and experience in this matter.

When, according to surveyed compatriots, intimacy between new acquaintances is still possible? The variety of responses is huge: 42% believe that after a few dates, 29% said that it depends on the situation and relationship. 41% of respondents believe that sex on the first date will not be an obstacle to a serious relationship. However, this is mostly men - 49%, and only 26% of women. At the same time, 32% of respondents are sure that after intimacy at the first meeting, serious relationships cannot be built in principle.

Experts who have studied why men are eight times more likely than women to be intimacy on a first date have found no other explanation than that something in our world doesn’t change, no matter what.

- Yes, the modern world of dating is changing rapidly, with the development of dating apps, the erasure of many social boundaries and the general dynamics of megacities, the pace of people’s rapprochement has become completely different, says sociologist Andrei Stern. But this freedom of morals is rather apparent. Despite its appearance, fundamental differences in the perception of intimacy between men and women have remained unchanged, without exaggeration, for centuries. This is confirmed not only by sociological surveys and calculations of psychologists, but also by serious fundamental works and academic works on evolutionary psychology.

Biologists are in solidarity with the sociologist.

- From the point of view of evolutionary biology, the score of 1:8 in male favor in the question of the rapid transition to intimacy is explained simply, says biologist Tatiana Lebedeva. It is no secret that the male strategy in this matter has historically been aimed at maximum dissemination of genetic material. The biological costs of procreation in men are minimal. Women’s strategy requires much more investment (nine months of pregnancy, subsequent feeding, vulnerability during the care of the offspring). A woman is subconsciously looking for reliability and security, so she needs more time to make sure her partner is reliable. But biology is just the foundation. Education, public opinion and personal experience are superimposed on it.

But many psychologists, based on their practice, argue that in this matter it is incorrect to divide respondents only by gender: the opinion on the delicate topic of intimacy on the first date depends on age. Rather, from the “titular” landmarks of the generation to which these M and F belong. As an example, experts cite age intervals, united by common signs and goals, so that we can compare the statements of their representatives.

Well, let's try.

So, group 1: those who today are 20-25 years old

According to experts, these are “children of dating services” – in the sense, born when online dating already existed. The moral boundaries of this age group are very blurred, the speed of life is high, and decisions are made quickly. We ask Russians of both sexes in this age range, would they go to bed after the first date?

- Honestly, I don’t understand the problem, and I am genuinely puzzled by the 23-year-old Maxim, a Moscow student born in Siberia. If people like each other, both are free and have chemistry, why artificially delay? That doesn't mean we're going to get married right away or have to be together. It's just a nice sequel to the evening. I had a case: met on the app, went to the bar, chatted before closing, came to me. I didn't call again, but I have no regrets, it was great. Why artificially marinate each other?

And this is what Alina, 22, an aspiring designer who moved to St. Petersburg from the Krasnodar Territory, says:

- I once agreed to have sex on the first date because the guy was insanely handsome and charismatic. But in the morning I experienced a wild feeling of devastation and shame. I don't do that anymore. It's not even about morality, but that men often disappear after that. It seems that they just ticked the box. It is important for me to first understand that a person sees in me a person, and not just an object for intimacy.

Group 2 – Russians, who are now from 30 to 40 years old

Experts consider pragmatism and awareness to be the titular signs of this group. According to experts, at this age, people already have the baggage of serious relationships, and sometimes divorces. And in the light of this experience, they come to the forefront of saving time and a clear understanding of their boundaries.

“At my age, people have a banal lack of free time,” the answer to the question of whether sex is appropriate on the first date, Igor, an entrepreneur of 37 years from Nizhny, precedes. Personally, I have my main job and several other projects, sports, projects, children from past marriages. Spending months on a "candy-bouquet" period to see if we fit together in bed is an unaffordable luxury for me. Sex is an important part of compatibility. If there is no chemistry, why go to restaurants? I had a business colleague with whom we had dinner after the first business meeting, and we had a bright affair for two years. It's all honest and open.

Here’s what people in this age group think:

“I was more frivolous when I was 20, and now I have a hard filter,” says Olga, a 35-year-old human resources executive. Sex on a first date is taboo for me. Not because I’m “not like that,” but because I take care of myself. A man who only needs the night will drop himself if he is forced to wait. Someone who is really interested in you as a person will be patient. Life experience shows that those relationships that were built gradually, were the strongest.

Group 3 - M and F, who are 45 today +

From the point of view of scientists, they are characterized by maturity and lack of illusions. These people know exactly what they want and are often free from the prejudices of youth.

- In adulthood, people no longer play teenage games, says Sergei, a 48-year-old engineer. If single mature people go on a date, they are well aware of their motives. Nobody cheats anyone. If passion arises, it is beautiful, it prolongs youth. The main thing is respect and contraception.

- It makes me laugh when they talk about some “moral foundations” of past centuries, said Galina, an accountant of 43 years. I never went to bed at the first meeting. This isn't about morality. I need to get to know the person, see how he behaves in different situations, listen to his voice, understand his values. Without an emotional connection, I'm not physically interested. Men are easier to treat, their hormones work differently, but this does not mean that we should adapt to them.

- As we can see, the motivations in each age group are different, commented psychologist Yulia Kulagin. But the so-called gender gap persists. And more simply, the sex difference in approach to intimacy at the first acquaintance is maintained regardless of age. Just as women age, it takes the form of sound calculation.

In summary, psychologists, doctors and sociologists have deduced the basic premises of what the West calls the “archaic shame of female sexuality.” The Russians still retained it due to factors such as:

Public opinion. A woman who easily consents to sex often faces condemnation, sometimes even from the chosen one. While the man for the same gets approval in the men’s companies (“alpha male”).

Security. For a woman, having sex with a stranger at the first meeting is always a physical risk. Men rarely think about physical vulnerability in such situations, whereas for women it is a basic instinct of self-preservation.

Emotional attachment. For most women, orgasm and sexual satisfaction are closely linked to feelings of security, trust, and emotional attachment. Men are able to more clearly separate physical attraction and emotions.

Statistics showing that men approve of sex on the first date eight times more often than women, reflects not the “spoiledness” of some or the “puritanism” of others, says sociologist Andrei Stern, but the difference in psychology, biology and social risks. There is no right or wrong answer to the question of whether sex is appropriate on the first date. The main rule of modern dating is mutual consent, honesty with oneself and respect for each other’s boundaries. If both partners are mature people, have similar views and are in equal positions, then the format of the first date does not matter. If opinions differ, this is a reason to stop and discuss expectations in time to avoid disappointment. I recommend you to rely on your own feelings and comfort, not on average statistics.