“Decree is a full-fledged work”: Belarusian fathers about changing roles in the family, night duty and the opinion of others

Traditional roles, where the man is the breadwinner and the woman is the keeper of the hearth, are increasingly giving way to conscious partnership. Belarusian popes bolder take on the “decree watch”, proving that child care has no gender. On how to erase stereotypes, not to lose yourself among cereals and diapers and learn to re-understand your own family, the correspondent of the Minsk-Novosti agency talked with dads who were not afraid to go on maternity leave.

Photo is illustrative, photo by Depositphotos

Workshop of paternity: the story of Michael

When a child appeared in the family of Mikhail (name changed at the request of the hero) and his wife, they decided not to follow the usual scenarios, but simply to do what would be best for everyone. Before his decree, Mikhail worked as an ambulance doctor, and his wife, a professional designer, successfully developed her business. The couple initially agreed that the career ambitions of the wife, who by that time earned more, should not be put on pause. Mikhail, who had long dreamed of professional realization in carpentry, saw in the decree an opportunity to “reset” and turn his passion into a full-fledged craft.

Recalling that period, Michael admits:

- The first week I hardly slept, I couldn’t believe I had a baby, then I got involved. One-on-one with the baby I was not afraid, more interesting, everything was new.

The professional training that Mikhail received at the ambulance became a reliable foundation for him in his new role. Medical night duty perfectly tempered the body, so that frequent ascents to the child did not become a great stress for the young father. When the daughter was five months old, a nanny appeared in the family - this allowed the father to allocate spare hours for the development of his workshop. Although Mikhail managed to achieve some success in his field during this period, he encourages to look at things realistically and calls the idea that maternity leave is a convenient time for a professional reboot a myth.

- I would not change this experience, but I would not make global plans for success in a new profession in the early years, since high-quality child care is a full-fledged job that needs to be given a lot of time.

Life in the decree for Michael was not limited to four walls. The family tried not to give up an active lifestyle, although the father honestly admits that rest with a child is not a rest in the classical sense, but a change of scenery, requiring double control. During the decree, they went abroad three times (the financial side of these trips was completely taken over by their spouse): twice to Georgia to strengthen the baby on the sea coast, and once to friends in Berlin and Prague.

Photo is illustrative, created by AI, magnific.com

Michael recalls how in the first months, when the daughter was very tiny, he put her in the carrier “kangaroo” and went to the forest.

- She fell asleep on my chest while I was picking mushrooms. We tried to spend time actively, he says.

The playgrounds and “mother’s gatherings” of the young father were not interested. Instead of passive pastime in the sandbox, he chose play centers - there was more room for the development of the child and high-quality general leisure.

Others reacted to his choice in different ways: some were frankly surprised, others - and there were many of them - did not even suspect that in Belarus a man has a legal right to parental leave. At first, the couple went to the children's clinic together, but soon Mikhail began to cope on his own. The pediatrician remembered the only father in line very quickly. I also had to face rejection. Once Michael heard from a friend harsh condemnation: they say, the decree is “not a man’s business”, and in life there are strictly “female” and “male” functions. However, the hero himself to such attacks is philosophical:

- For many men, this is a convenient excuse to justify their unwillingness to do what they used to call “boring” work.

In addition, the man, accustomed to being a breadwinner, was psychologically uncomfortable due to the lack of his own income. Mikhail does not hide that the change of roles radically changes the very “drawing” of the relationship in the pair. He offers to look at it honestly, without illusions, asking questions that should be discussed by every family on the shore.

Photo is illustrative, photo magnific.com

A man, having lost his constant earnings, will less often indulge his wife with spontaneous gifts, flowers and cafes. Are women ready to take responsibility for providing for the whole family, closing the issues of housing, clothing and health without losing interest in their man? The answer, probably, is the maturity of relations and the ability to negotiate, says Mikhail.

Now, when the daughter went to the garden, Mikhail hit work, so sees the child less often, but tries to spend time qualitatively: they love to cook together, the girl is happy to tinker with the dough. Despite the fact that the father sat on the decree, the daughter still more reaches for her mother.

- To tell the truth, I never thought about the difficulties of upbringing before, says Mikhail. Even now it is difficult for me to imagine how difficult it is for mothers who are engaged in everyday life from call to call. In order not to lose yourself, you need the support of a partner and time for rest - otherwise the crisis cannot be avoided.

His main advice to men is not to be afraid of judgment, if this is a profitable scenario for the family, but both partners should be 100% ready for a radical change of roles, because the male decree is a test of strength for the whole family.

Calculation and tranquility: the story of Dmitry

Dmitry decided on the decree for the same reason as Michael: it was banal more profitable for the family. His wife is a popular tutor, her earnings were higher than his, so when the question arose about who would stay with the child, they decided to act rationally. Dmitry is the head of the railway station, he is used to systematicity and order, so he took up the new role with all responsibility.

For him, raising a son is a living process, not a book. In the decree, Dmitry develops his small business - furniture assembly services. And when he has to work on ordering a house or fixing something on the house, the son is always there: while Dad is busy, the child enthusiastically plays with screwdrivers, screws and bolts. Dmitry notes with a smile: many mothers, seeing such a picture, would be horrified, but for him it is a normal process that develops independence.

Dmitri doesn't make life a problem. He believes that now there is nothing difficult, because everything around mechanized: threw things in the washing room, pressed the button on the dishwasher - and everything is ready. But at the same time, he does not pretend to be a hero and honestly admits that the decree is very difficult. Even with the most modern technology, this is a daily job, where you can not relax for a minute, and new tasks arise constantly.

However, the duties of caring for a child in the family are divided almost equally: Dmitry’s wife works from home and regularly comes to his rescue. And since the baby is a year and four months old, he is still breastfeeding, then all night feeding is the responsibility of the mother. Dmitry warmly recalls his presence at childbirth and considers this experience invaluable:

- I saw with my own eyes what women were going through, and I became much more aware of it.

Such a degree of immersion in the life of the family for Dmitry is not a feat, but a norm of life. Therefore, when friends are genuinely surprised by his choice, he answers simply:

- No one forced me, I decided so myself.

He does not perceive this period as some kind of forced step or sacrifice. Just understands that children grow up in the here and now, and this time is more expensive than any career schedule. For this, it is worth throwing away stereotypes and just being close to loved ones.

The expert's view: how not to lose yourself in diapers

Family psychologist Ekaterina Pavlenko explains that the phenomenon of paternal decree is a natural extension of role positions, but it is associated with serious changes for men.

- How can the father psychologically survive the change of roles and not lose self-esteem?

A male decree is a step beyond traditional social scenarios. It is important for a man to make this decision voluntarily, because complete immersion in the care of an infant is historically not his usual role. Rarely does anyone know in advance how psychologically ready he is for such a huge load.

Being with a child, a man experiences a real biological transformation. He has reduced testosterone levels and increased attachment hormones - oxytocin, prolactin and estrogen. The work of the brain also changes: the zones responsible for sensitivity and empathy are activated. The father becomes softer, actually taking on the role of a mother.

This changes the emotional ties in a couple and can temporarily reduce sexual desire, because it is more difficult for a man to maintain his usual masculinity. To compensate for this help sports, men's companies and personal development.

- And how does the financial factor affect intimate life? When the wife becomes the main earner, is it not tempting to reproach the husband with money, and how not to let household disputes affect intimacy?

- Much is determined by the level of maturity, upbringing and inner values of the couple. During the period of the decree, an emotional and intimate crisis is almost inevitable - and the level of income of spouses is not a decisive factor. Money reproaches and the depreciation of domestic work appear where respect and empathy disappear.

Unfortunately, the culture is such that a man earning less than his wife or temporarily without income often loses sexual masculinity in her eyes. But the way partners communicate during the day directly determines their proximity at night.

The real salvation for marriage is to shift the focus from financial rivalry to each other's human worth. If you treat money and distribution of roles easier, keeping a pair of humor, lightness and sensuality, to survive this difficult period will be possible without losses.

Photo is illustrative, pexels.com

- How can a mother learn to let go of control?

- Many women suffer from the good girl complex. They think they do everything perfectly and others do it wrong. You have to accept the fact that the father’s relationship with the child will be slightly different than that of the mother, and that’s fine. If you do not trust your spouse, you should ask yourself an honest question: why are you in this union? If your partner is an adult, let them make mistakes. Clear, but friendly instructions without the tone of the teacher will help you quickly find a common language in everyday life.

- How to recognize burnout and protect yourself from the opinions of others?

Burnout is the result of loneliness. Even in the family, you can feel abandoned. Seek support in communities for fathers. As for the opinion of others: it is important only to those who do not have their own. The main thing is trust within the couple. Family is not a place to fight for leadership, but a home front where everything is for you.

Popes coming together

An interesting initiative was made by Minsk resident Andrei. He bet his wife that he could collect 50 active fathers to spend time with their children. He announced his call on Threads and Instagram. Andrey managed to organize three meetings, and he regularly shares photos from these father’s “gatherings” on his page in social networks. And interest in the project is growing: if everything started small, then 30 dads with children came to the last event.

All relevant information Andrey publishes in a closed Telegram channel. You can get there by writing to the Minsk resident personally on social networks. And there is a strict filter: it is the father who should write. Through his wife, the entrance is closed - Andrei is convinced that if a man is not ready to communicate on his own, then he does not need a community. In a closed chat, life is boiling: dads discuss meetings, exchange useful information, offer help and support each other. Recently, Andrey announced in Threads a live broadcast with a guest speaker, dedicated to an important topic: how dads stop breaking down on children and establish contact with them. Links to such broadcasts Andrey sends on request in private messages.

It seems that the argument with the wife of a man has every chance to win. But most importantly, the fathers themselves and their children, who received space for real male friendship and support, won.

According to the Ministry of Labor and Social Protection, about 1% of men go on maternity leave in Belarus. And this figure from year to year remains stable.