Codependent: The Trap for Motherly Love

Today we will tell another real story, which was shared by the psychologist of the crisis department of #CCSON Karelia Anastasia Goebbel:

Unfortunately, there are many such situations. Each is special in its own way, with its own pain and its own hopes. But the scenario is often repeated: people fall into similar traps, experience similar hard moments.

We don’t want to make pain public – we want to show that help exists, is there and can be trusted.

And neglect of professional recommendations often leads to a repetition of the usual scenario: difficulties return to their former forms.

At the reception comes a tired, exhausted elderly woman.

Antonina Germanovna sincerely loves her son - a high-aged and unlucky. He is rarely sober, he does not go to contact with psychologists and other specialists.

This situation is familiar not only to mothers, but also to wives who endure in the hope of a better life

Life with this person for a mother turns into hell. Drink, debts, strangers of dubious appearance, sleepless nights. The house is a mess, due to the eternal lack of money (and this is only the pension of an elderly woman), it is impossible to make basic repairs or update furniture.

As it is impossible to save even a small part of the savings, everything goes to the drunkenness of the son. How can I not give money? When he finds himself, he will dig the whole apartment, he will throw things away, but he will shake his whole soul.

He does not threaten his mother, does not beat her, but exhausts her with screams, and she is ashamed of her neighbors. Especially at night when people are resting. Takes out hidden crumpled, folded bills several times, and parted with them in tears.

My son will leave right away.

And the mother will cry, take a sedative, but the experiences do not leave her - where he, what with him, would not have fallen into the "kutuzka", would not have fallen asleep in a snowdrift, and would not have been stunned.

Pity him, though not a traveler, but his blood. Everyone turned away from him, and at the same time from Antonina Germanovna. Neighbors at the meeting only sigh and sympathize. Girlfriends are long gone.

The daughter has her own family, lives far away, and with her brother quarreled to pieces because of her mother, now she does not come. His mother pities, calls to him all the time, but she flatly refuses: “He will drink the last drink here.” But behind these words lies quite another: “He will disappear without me, I do not want to take a sin on my soul.”.

So they live – both disappear: the son from drinking, the mother from suffering. Year after year, a vicious circle with no exit.

The same goes for the psychologist: the woman learned all the recommendations by heart. She knows about boundaries, about “tough love”, about the fact that you can not give money for a hangover. But she does not fulfill them – “be as it will be.”.

And sometimes she runs at night to the nearest point of sale, where "to bottling" because "he is ill, and he dies." She repays her pension, often without food.

It's a deep codependency -- it's almost impossible to get out of it alone. Her psyche is arranged in such a way that the "salvation" of him, she her own life seems empty and colorless.

Weird? Yeah. But this is the reality of codependency.

She and her son are a single sick organism, where the disease of one becomes the disease of the other. That is why they do not want to leave: this “connection” keeps both stronger than any ropes.

In communication with her daughter, the mother tries to hide most of the problems - shame, pain. It is impossible to admit that life can be different, that there is another way - too hard for a tormented soul. It is easier to keep silent and “carry your cross.”.

A woman is literally dooming herself by letting her son ruin her life, and he has no reason to stop. His mother is his sponsor, his acquittal and his ambulance in one person. He is in a comfortable state for himself and is not going to change anything.

So you have to change the other side.

Working with codependency is a long way to go. It is the mother’s return to responsibility for her life. It's the right to lock the door and keep a drunk man out of the house. It's the right to spend money on his medicines, not his debts. It's scary because it's a huge scandal. But that’s the only way a scenario collapses, in which one drowns and the other pretends to hold it, actually holding it to the bottom.

It is important to understand that the power of specialists alone cannot solve this problem.

No advice will help until the codependent has a deep desire to get out of these chains. Help is possible only when a person’s inner willingness to change is added to professional support.

If you or your loved ones are going through a difficult period, don’t be alone.

Specialists of CCSON are ready to help.

Phones for reference (Crisis Department of KTSSON of the Republic of Karelia):

77-30-52 (round the clock)

+7 953 543-91-35 - enrollment for a free consultation of a psychologist.

Share this information, someone desperately needs it right now.

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