Love from the pot: how children's "brides" become real wives

The neighbor asked

- Our neighbor aunt Toma had a son Sasha, my age, says 47-year-old Lena. We didn’t really talk to him before school, but we were enrolled together in the first grade. “Look after him, please. You're a smart, serious girl, and mine is a sloppy girl, Tom's aunt asked. I took the assignment responsibly. Sasha could not read, I took patronage over him - taught him. Helped with homework. Protected if other guys tried to make fun of him. I made sure that the mittens did not lose, so that the hat was not removed in the cold. And so it went on in life: I take care of Sasha. I mean, custody..

Now Lena is going through a difficult period: the children grew up, she was left alone, Sasha is no longer there. Two years of therapy helped to find herself, but she can not yet decide to marry again. She says that after losing her husband, it was like a part of her was torn away. No, Sasha didn't die, he just left her life. She tells her story without emotion - all of them have long lived.

In elementary school, Lena didn’t think about whether she liked her “imposed” classmate or not. Just always been there. By the age of 14, she herself claims, she began to perceive Sasha as a boy. I wanted to look attractive in his eyes. There was jealousy when other girls noticed him or looked at him.

- I was used to him as a mom or dad, he was like a brother to me. - She explains. To and from school, they sat at the same desk together. But, nevertheless, I definitely had a crush. And when he secretly took me by the hand in seventh grade in math, my heart broke! That’s when I looked at him through the eyes of a girl, not my sister.

The guys started dating in high school. And when Lena turned 18, her parents bought her a one-room apartment. The girl began to live separately, and more and more often she stayed overnight Sasha. Now she can’t even remember whether he proposed to her: the wedding was a natural conclusion, or rather, a continuation of their story, in which neither their parents nor themselves doubted.

- After the wedding, I had a baby, and a year later, a second. Everyone washed, fed, Sasha was in fact my third son, says Lena. He graduated from university in absentia, I did not load him with children, supported him with failures at work, rejoiced when he was promoted in the service. And after 20 years of marriage, I found out he was going left. I couldn't believe it for a long time because he doesn't objectively look like Don Juan. Grey, baldness is planned, stomach appeared ... But there is no doubt about the infidelity, everyone knew about it, it was just I was so blind - I did not notice anything during cleaning, ironing and cooking. I tried to live for a while, closing my eyes to his adventures. It didn't help, he filed for divorce first. He said he was going to get married again.

Childhood roles must be forgotten

- In fact, marriages, where spouses have known since childhood, are quite a rare thing for our culture, explains clinical psychologist Svetlana Pleshakova. And, unfortunately, if we talk about the residents of the metropolis, more often such unions fall apart. Unless, of course, it is a society of traditionalists (for example, Islamic families, Old Believers, Orthodox), who have a special lifestyle.

- Maybe it’s because it didn’t start with falling in love? I don’t understand how a child’s friendship can grow into anything more.

- Sexual preferences are laid before adolescence, they are simply formed gradually, and in the process of life can change. Young children very early begin to distinguish people of the opposite sex on the principle of “like – dislike”. A child may say, “This aunt is beautiful” or “This uncle is beautiful.” That is, even in childhood, we form an image of an object of the opposite sex, which later, as an adult, we will seem attractive as a man or a woman.

But still, as the expert assures, such sympathies rarely persist and pass through life.

- Over the years, it’s interesting to know what connects people. After all, love is not that romantic love, a beautiful love story to which we are used, says Pleshakova. Well, if the feeling changes - love becomes closer - maybe not so bright and temperamental, but more constant, lasting.

However, the psychologist reminds us that being around for years, loving people change. And it turns out that the person you knew at 15, at 35, and even more so at 45, is completely different. We continue to see him as a child.

- Do we see his role in life as a parent? If we talk about the history of your heroine, then this role clearly weighed on her. It is very important that the feelings remain fresh, you need not get stuck in these established roles, the expert warns. The man in the kindergarten was a fool and in the eyes of his wife they remained. And he has long been - conditionally, Ivan Ivanovich, the bald director of the plant. It is important to see that the person around you is changing. Again, if the husband cares for the wife, perhaps for joy, then she may well burden the wife. Hanging out in artificial roles from childhood hurts relationships.

It all started with a swing

- I was six years old and he was four. He was such a kind and sweet baby, nostalgically smiling, Lena recalls. One day he came up to me on the playground and asked me: “Pump me on the swing.” I rocked him and thought that's why I'm so grown up and I can't be friends with this little guy because girlfriends would laugh? Then I began to dream: I wish I had such a brother

Little Zhenya did not live in their area, but came to visit his grandmother. She often met him in the yard, but the friendship did not develop. Tanya played with her friends in dolls, and Zhenya - ran with the boys. And then Grandma moved in and the girl never saw him again.

- I began to forget about Zhenya, but two years later my mother enrolled me in a children's dance studio - and there I met him, Tanya recalls. - I'm so excited! She immediately asked us to pair up.

When the studio closed four years later, Zhenya and Tanya became so friendly that this unfortunate circumstance could not separate them.

- We continued to communicate – we came to visit each other, played the console, corresponded on the Internet, says Tanya. And dating is exactly how a guy and a girl began when I was 17 and he was 15. But without nonsense – just walked by the hand, hugged, sometimes kissed. About the wedding began to talk about about about that time, but we got married not immediately after coming of age, and when I graduated from university, and he was in his second year. So many years have passed, and I adored my Ghenka, and now I adore it. Look, he hasn't changed at all!

Tatiana shows pictures of her husband. They're wearing a pink-cheeked baby with a stack of golden curls. Like an angel from an old Christmas card. Now next to her sits a brutal young man in glasses, with a smooth-shaven head and a beard.

- But I see adult Tanya quite differently. Then it was a kid for me - fervent, cocky, daring. Now she is a gentle wife, a caring mother. By the way, I like it even more, says Eugene.

Tanya is 29 and her husband is 27. They have two children and are planning at least two more. Friends consider them the perfect couple. They are happy, but Tanya is constantly worried: “What if their feelings cool down?”

- Are you more afraid of falling out of love or of becoming the one you have stopped loving?

- Both of them! she says. How many such cases I know in couples who are not long together, and we have such a period! We might as well get bored of each other. We don’t want our marriage to be limited to children. But don't you think we're going to have another baby because we're bonding. If I loved someone else, I wouldn’t stay married just for my son and daughter. If the parents are not happy, the children will not be happy. I'm talking hypothetically about someone else. I don’t even think I’m going to stop loving my daughter. But what if he's the one who gets cold to me? See, I'm walking around with these obsessive thoughts of mine.

Bride and groom from kindergarten

Lisa and Misha declared themselves bride and groom in the kindergarten senior group. He was a bully, always standing in the corner for his tricks. She is a quiet timid girl, shy to tell poems in the morning.

- In Lizka, all the boys were in love – she will not let you lie, says Mikhail. She always found notes in her locker, or rather, drawings with hearts. I even fought for her with my competitors. What did she do to us? Huge blue eyes and some mystery

But Elizabeth admits that she does not even remember why she liked Misha and why she agreed to be his “bride”. Only remembers that in school (after the garden they went to the same class) their tender friendship ended.

- Either in the second or third grade, we began to distance ourselves from each other. - Bear in our class was not quoted, because he was thin and small. Besides, he's been hooliganizing all the time. And I studied well, and I was attracted to successful boys, excellent students. We had two of them.

- But where I am now, and where they are! laughs Lizin husband, head of the IT department in a large company. One was drunk and the other was a security guard at the school. And I teach my son that assessments are not the main thing.

In high school, Lisa and Misha completely parted ways: she chose the humanitarian direction, and he suddenly fell ill with mathematics. However, he took up textbooks too late: he could not enter the university and went to the army. He came after the demo.

- He didn’t have a girlfriend, and when he joined the army, he asked me to write to him. He joked, “Don’t forget me from old memory, I’m your fiancé.” Well, I wrote him out of pity. He understood that. But he could boast to his army comrades that a girl was waiting for him at home.

From the army, Misha returned as a tall handsome broad-shoulder. And in height for two years increased, so he became above Lisa almost a head and a half. She saw him - and... fell in love.

- Yes, this time I really fell in love with him, she admits. And since we were not strangers to each other, it was supported by some sense of trust and spiritual closeness. Right at the cellular level I felt: a native person. And Misha, as he later admitted, he loved me since kindergarten - first as a girlfriend, and then as a girl. And when I finally reciprocated, I was very happy. I finally waited.

Misha and Lisa have been together for 11 years. The secret of family happiness they see in mutual trust, openness and the ability to yield to each other.

- We are never bored together, the couple assured. - We lead a very active life - we walk with our son on kayaks, relax on the sea, and now we have a parrot jaco - we teach him to speak with the whole family.

Science is silent, celebrities confirm

Marriages in which spouses know each other since pre-adolescence, psychologists and sexologists are almost not studied. There is only one authoritative study that showed that these couples have a stronger emotional connection, helping to survive the losses and difficulties of life. However, half of the subjects complained of dissatisfaction with the relationship and even went to therapy. However, if only half of them, then there is a second group - the lucky ones. Conclusion: such unions clearly have a chance to be not only strong, but also happy.

Even public people (and celebrities are not famous for strong marriages) have two vivid examples of couples who carried childhood love throughout their lives. Not from kindergarten, but from school.

The famous psychologist, psychotherapist, writer Irvin Yalom, who is now over 90, fell in love with his future wife Marilyn as a child. They lived together until their old age and were separated only by her death. About their love can be read in the records that the couple made before the death of Marilyn. Then he drove them himself.

The second example is world football star, Ballon d’Or winner Harry Kane. He also met his girlfriend as a child. “Katie just loved me when I wasn’t famous. She knows me for real, he recalled in interviews, stressing that this is why he fully trusts his wife and will never suspect her that she is with him because of his bank account. She was with Kane in both joy and grief, so he has no doubt about her unconditional support.

Such stories inspire and warn modern parents: do not laugh at the first affection of your child. You can't know for sure that babies walking by the handle in the yard or picking around in the same sandbox will not sit hand in hand on a bench in the park in 60 years.

What helps maintain interest in each other? According to psychologists, it is very important to openly discuss everything that happens in a couple. Happy families differ in that spouses can talk on a variety of topics without fear of evaluation and reproach.

It’s a good practice to ask each other this question from time to time: “What have you changed this year?” And you, in turn, share that you noticed in your spouse something that was not there before, that you learned about your loved one. And we can talk about both positive and negative traits, because, as the psychologist explains, the positive is a continuation of our minuses, and vice versa.

Another topic of discussion that will help keep the fire of love alive is to ask your partner, “What new experiences would you like to have with me?” People have been together for 25 years and feel like they’ve tried everything. That's not really true! Don’t hesitate to share the most original ideas. Maybe you dream of going with your loved one on an unusual trip, signing up for a dance, getting a dog or starting a family business? Or maybe it's a bold experiment in bed? It is important that there is always newness in your relationship.

Look at your partner with new eyes. What kind of man is he now? What do I see in him as ordinary? Where he looks like me and where he doesn't.