Friendship as an adult: a psychologist on how to keep old connections and find new friends

"Let's see you this weekend?" This is the third time you've said this to a friend in six months. And you both know you probably won't. Not because you don’t want to, you just have a lot of work, it has repairs, and there are holidays, vacations and endless household chores ahead. As a child, friendship happened by itself. In adulthood, you have to find time and strength. Together with Natalia Pachepko, Head of the Department of Psychological Assistance to Family and Children of the Minsk City Center for Social Services for Family and Children, we understand why after 25 close ties require attention and how to understand that it is time to let go of old ties to find new ones.

Case 1. Situation: Christina moved to another city to study. The first months she and her friends called every day, but now Christina has new things to do, and friends have their own lives. She says to herself, “I’m a bad friend.”.

Psychologist's opinion:

School is often the first place where people learn to be friends. Classmates are united by one place, common classes and daily communication. Once released, this medium disappears. To communicate at a distance, you need mutual interest, attention, and a willingness to keep in touch. If the former intimacy is no longer there, it does not mean that someone is necessarily to blame: the friendship develops, changes and sometimes ends. To understand whether the connection has not exhausted itself, ask yourself what need it satisfies and how much energy you are willing to put into it. If the answer sounds like “nothing, I just have to keep in touch,” perhaps the relationship is already fading. In this case, you can thank the person for the common experience and accept that now he is more a friend than a close friend. Case 2. Anton writes to a friend: “Let’s meet!” Two days later, he says, “I’m stuck at work, let’s do it later.” It's the third time in a row. Anton does not understand: is the friend really busy or just avoiding the meeting?

Psychologist's opinion:

- Friendships continue as long as they both feel good. But not everyone is ready to say directly that they want to stop communicating: sometimes a person just gradually moves away. There is no need to impose and demand excuses: everyone has the right to stop communication if it no longer brings joy. But that doesn’t mean that Anton has to wait forever and pretend that he doesn’t get hurt. If a person constantly postpones a meeting, does not offer another day and does not get in touch, the discomfort is quite understandable. In such a situation, it is important to ask yourself: what did this communication give? Feeling close, support, common interests? And where else can you find people with whom such contact will arise? Sometimes you just need to understand that friendship is exhausted. Case 3. Situation: Masha and Lena have been friends since first grade. They're 30 now. Mary is married, raising children and going to bed at 22:00. Lena lives alone, loves entertainment. They meet less and less, it becomes difficult for them to find common themes, but do not want to part.

Psychologist's opinion:

- Sometimes people hold on to friendship not so much because of intimacy as because of its status. The phrase “I have a childhood friend” creates a sense of security and stability. But if over time you find yourself in different life orbits, there is nothing wrong with that. It is possible to preserve a relationship with different interests and values if you accept each other’s lifestyle and maintain curiosity. Each scenario has its pros and cons: one may lack freedom, the other may tire of loneliness and spontaneity. Speaking of this without judgment, differences will not alienate, and sometimes even help, the other person to understand better. But when there is almost no common themes and interest, and meetings have become routine, the connection may gradually weaken. It is not necessary to break the relationship or look for the fault. Sometimes it’s enough to acknowledge that people have changed and allow connections to move into a less intimate format. Case 4. Oleg and his friend communicate only on social networks, exchange memes. But a friend always finds excuses for a coffee offer. Is this considered a full-fledged friendship?

Psychologist's opinion:

- Mature friendship differs from youth in that we no longer need to spend all our free time with one person. As a child, one friend often covered several needs at once: we communicated with him, played, shared experiences and spent leisure time. With age, friendships become more diverse: with one person we go to the theater, with another we go fishing, and with a third we exchange memes because only he understands our humor. Digital communication can also be a part of friendship. What matters is not whether people meet in person, but whether this format suits both. If Oleg and his friend are comfortable keeping in touch on social networks, you should not force her offline.

Why is it easier to make friends as a child?

- For acquaintance there were enough common games and one sandbox. The circle of communication remained small, and the relationship developed naturally. With age, we have more interests and demands on people. In addition, communication skills are formed in the family: if a child has not seen an example of strong social ties, it may be more difficult for him to understand how to build them. Many people expect a “real” friend for life. Over time, it becomes clear that the relationship can vary in degree of intimacy, and this is normal. Where to find new friends and where to start a conversation?

- Start from your own interests: visit book clubs, sports sections, participate in volunteer projects. You can start the conversation with simple questions about a person: sincere interest disposes. The first impression is also important: if you want to be noticed, think about how you manifest yourself and what impression you make.

What could ruin a friendship?

- Relationships are influenced by distance, different life stages and changing interests. But friendship is also destroyed by constant disregard, dishonesty, envy, border violation, and one-sided support. Accumulated resentments are also dangerous: over time, they can overgrow with details and make us think up another person’s motives. Therefore, conflicts should not be silenced, but clarified in the moment.

shestakevich@sb.by Friends

Do you also think that in adulthood to find a person close in spirit, unrealistic? We have collected three stories that prove that at any age there is a chance to meet your soulmate. Not just a hitchhiker

Friendship experience: 7 years

In the summer of 2019, Elizabeth decided that she wanted to go on her first adult vacation. Be sure to fly to some warm country, Lisa recalls:

- I just graduated from university, like all my friends. But, unlike them, she already received a good salary, since she began working during her studies and managed to make good progress on the career ladder. Unfortunately, none of my friends could keep me company. But I really wanted to fly, so I posted an ad to the group “Looking for a fellow traveler” in the social network “Vkontakte”.

A couple of days later, Christina was posted. Lisa suggested she take a walk to get to know each other better:

- As I remember now, we met in Nemiga, took coffee and went to the nearest park. After half an hour, it became clear that we have a lot in common, including our views on life.

The vacation, by the way, was wonderful. The companions did not irritate each other and went everywhere together: to the beach, excursions, cafes. Returning to Minsk, they did not stop communicating: they often met, walked, corresponded. Lisa even witnessed Christine's wedding. And now they're family friends. You're in first, I'm in third

Friendship experience: 4 years

How many years were at the time of dating: 34 and 26 Nothing brings together better than the status of newcomers. So it was with Polina and Anastasia: they almost simultaneously moved into the same house in the center of Molodechno. Polina and her family are on the third floor, Anastasia is on the first floor, right below them. And the “layer” in the form of a conflict neighbor from the second floor became an occasion for conversations, Polina recalls:

- At first, Nastya and I talked caposkogo, discussed the neighbor, repairs, household nuances. But gradually moved to more personal topics, began to share secrets.

Over time, both families decided to expand. And – coincidence! – again became neighbors and now live in houses opposite, says Polina:

- We always help each other out. For example, on the weekend our front door was jammed. While I was dealing with repairmen, Nastya took my children to her, fed them. Such moments, when we come to each other’s aid without asking unnecessary questions, have already accumulated a lot.

And in general, in adulthood, making friends is even better than in a sandbox, Pauline argues:

- You already know people well, you know how to distinguish sincerity from falsehood. All this increases the chances of recognizing your person in a crowd of casual acquaintances. Friendship is about comfort and tranquility

Friendship experience: 1 year

17 and 19 The guys met a year ago, when Nikita was an active freshman who was burning with the desire to participate in absolutely everything, and Polina was the secretary of the first BRSM, picking up a team. During the preparation for festivals, events and competitions, students became friends, says Nikita:

- We found that we have a lot in common: both drown for mutual assistance, respect. And yet, even though we are buzzers, we prefer to meet live for long correspondence.

Nikita admits that the fourth-year Polina for him like an older sister:

- She does not compete with me, but objectively assesses what I do, she is always ready to help. By the way, she persuaded me to try in the first year to get a job in the specialty. So, with her light hand, I became the editor and host of the First National Channel of the Belarusian Radio.

Nikita believes that friendship is about comfort and tranquility, not about rivalry and trying to seem better and more successful than you really are

- Next to a friend, you should rest your soul, recharge your internal battery. And if it isn't, there's reason to wonder if it's a friend.

krupenkova@sb.by,

photo from the personal archive of heroes