“And the clock is ticking”: the expert explained how to disarm relatives with uncomfortable questions

Family meetings sometimes turn into a real interrogation with bias. Questions about salary, career, personal life and plans for children often come from the lips of the closest people. At the same time, relatives may sincerely believe that they are caring, although in fact their curiosity causes resentment and irritation. How to protect personal boundaries without turning family dinner into a battlefield?

“MK in St. Petersburg” talked with an expert on family dialogue and speech strategies in close relationships, candidate of philological sciences, associate professor of the Financial University under the Government of the Russian Federation Larisa Aleshina. She explained why the advice of relatives hurt more criticism of outsiders and what phrases will help to stop an uncomfortable conversation without scandal.

According to the expert, the usual expressions “I would be in your place...” or “when the children?” actually carry much more meaning than it seems. From the point of view of psycholinguistics, they put one interlocutor in the position of a person who allegedly knows better about someone else’s life, and another in the position of someone who does not cope well with their affairs.

That is why the comments of loved ones often hurt more than criticism at work. If a colleague assesses professional qualities, the relative involuntarily affects the person’s identity and his place in the family.

Aleshina noted that in family communication there is often an unspoken rule: if a person is worried about a loved one, then he has the right to interfere in his decisions. For example, the question of the salary of a relative may be perceived as a manifestation of participation, while the interlocutor - as an invasion of privacy.

“In family communication, there is often an unspoken scenario: care = control, and control = the right to advice,” the expert explained.

According to her, the main problem is the violation of borders: a person receives assessments and recommendations that he did not ask for. It is not necessary to answer relatives rudely or to enter into a dispute.

The expert advised to separate the good intentions of loved ones from the inappropriate form of their expression. For example, the question of earnings can be calmly answered:

“I understand that you are worried, and that matters to me. But I do not want to talk about the salary now, if there is a reason, I will tell you myself.

Such an answer allows you to recognize the care of a relative, but at the same time make it clear that the person does not intend to discuss personal finances.

Another way to avoid conflict is to turn obsessive advice into a routine question. Instead of defending oneself or immediately objecting, one might wonder why the other person decided to raise the subject.

“Thank you for sharing your opinion. And why did you think about it now? – gave the example of Aleshin.

According to the expert, this wording helps relieve pressure and transfer the conversation from the need to follow other people’s recommendations to the discussion of the interlocutor’s motives.

At the same time, the expert warned against lengthy excuses. The more a person explains why he does not want to discuss his personal life, the more opportunities there are for relatives to challenge his arguments and continue the conversation.

It is much more effective to prepare a few short phrases in advance and calmly repeat them if necessary.

“I am not ready/ready to discuss it now,” “I will make a decision on this issue myself,” the expert suggested.

Such answers Aleshina called communicative anchors. Their strength lies in brevity, certainty and predictability. They mark the border without turning the conversation into an argument.

If uncomfortable questions are heard at each family meeting, the expert recommended not to limit yourself to individual answers, but to discuss the rules of communication. And it is better to do this in a calm atmosphere, and not during another quarrel.

“I care about our family, but questions about children/money/career hurt me. Let's agree: if I need advice, I myself / myself will ask, - cited the example of Aleshin.

However, not everyone is ready to accept the new rules. Sometimes, after trying to define personal boundaries, the pressure only increases. Reproaches like “you have become a stranger” or the usual “we want the best” are used.

According to the expert, this reaction is associated with a change in the established family scenario. Relatives are used to discussing certain topics and may be painful to perceive the rejection of the previous format of communication.

In this case, Aleshina advised to stick to the chosen position and each time respond with the same calm phrase. Gradually, loved ones can get used to the fact that some issues are no longer subject to discussion.

The expert stressed that the protection of personal borders does not mean the rejection of closeness with the family. On the contrary, respect for each other's privacy helps to build communication in which care does not turn into control, and family meetings do without mutual resentment.