"You're wrong, even if you're right": why do the boss' reproaches hurt?

Hearing a comment at work is not surprising, but for someone, perhaps quite ordinary. But sometimes such reproaches a person can take too close to his heart. Sometimes the boss says something strange, like “you’re wrong even if you’re right.” How to respond to such comments and distinguish fair criticism from nitpicking, says Nicka Bolzan, a psychologist, supervisor, psychological well-being researcher and expert practitioner with 12 years of experience.

There's a meeting. And then the boss says, "The report will have to be rewritten." An hour passes, and the employee still thinks about this comment, winds himself up, reflects on the upcoming dismissal and the opinion of colleagues about themselves as a bad employee. Although only one thing is clear from this phrase - the manager is unhappy with the report, it will have to be reworked.

Of course, it is extremely difficult to stop responding to such remarks. From the boss depends on the bonus, promotion, the presence of interesting tasks and even in general work. Therefore, his dissatisfaction causes reasonable anxiety for the future. Especially if the manager does not give a specific edit, but throws vague phrases like “I expected more from you.” The employee simply can not understand how serious the situation is - to worry about his dismissal and loss of trust or not?

Even worse and more painful for a person is another situation: when the boss for some reason decides to criticize him directly in front of colleagues. A wave of shame is added to feelings of error. Inside, thoughts rage that everyone saw it and now they must be thinking about how I screwed up. It can be even worse when a manager thinks it’s okay to make fun of an employee or compare them to another person.

An important role in this matter is played by the attitude of the person to himself. Many people like to demand too much from themselves and depend on the approval of others. In such a situation, even a small remark can greatly affect self-esteem and general condition. Instead of thinking “I made a mistake,” the fears of “I failed everyone” and “I’m not good enough” fill the head. And the person just scolds himself endlessly even after the mistake has already been corrected.

“It is particularly difficult to bear the criticism of an unpredictable boss. Today he calmly asks to correct the mistake, and tomorrow he rebukes colleagues for the same mistake. Gradually, the employee begins to monitor his mood, recheck the letters several times and prepare in advance for an unpleasant conversation. In such an environment, anxiety can increase, even if the person is generally confident in their professional abilities, explains psychologist Nick Bolzan.

Even a fair remark can hit a person hard if he tried hard at the task and was satisfied with his work. Therefore, one’s own experiences are not always the answer to the question of whether criticism of leadership is justified. It is much more useful to look at the content of the comments and how the leader relates to the work as a whole.

If the criticism concerns specific mistakes, you can understand what didn’t work out and change it. But if the boss is constantly dissatisfied, devalues any project (even successful) and calls the employee lazy, he gradually doubts himself more and more, regardless of how good he is overall.

There are times when criticism is really fair, but it is expressed in a rude or humiliating form. Then with the claim itself, of course, we can agree, but the offense will not go anywhere.

“With constant nagging, a person gradually begins to think more about the mood of the boss than about the work itself. He tries to guess why he will be scolded again, and spends more and more energy on it. In such a situation, it is useful to stop focusing only on the reaction of the manager and check how well you do the work, according to specific results, says Nika Bolzan.